awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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