So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
