mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
