If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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