If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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