Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
