my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
