May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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