It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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