Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
