Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
