Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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