Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
