i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
