Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Operation Purity has been aborted
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
