You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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