i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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