right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
