all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
