My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
