Yo dont text me then not text me
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
