you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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