i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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