I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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