I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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