i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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