there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
