I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
