woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
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