I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
