I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
