can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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