Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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