you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
