Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
