Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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