I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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