So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
