I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My feet surprised me
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