After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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