I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
