T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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