my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
