Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Randomize
