You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
