I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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