I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
