So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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