Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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