Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
