I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
